STATS: Ours are abysmal

While our CEO remains in jail for breaking and entering…long story, I took advantage of the calm that is now present in the office with Thomas’ absence, and reviewed the Analytical Stats of our website. Suffice to say, I’m a wee bit concerned.

It appears as though we have over 800+ followers, but only 1 or 2 of them per day actually read what is posted. This doesn’t bode well with our staff writer, and he is the typical, overly-sensitive creative type, and that just leads to melodrama when we try to address any of our concerns or critiques of his work.

Truth be told. The last time I questioned him about his overuse of exclamation marks and commas, he got so incensed that he burst out of my office and locked himself in the staff restroom. The only way we were able to coax him out was to agree to let him go home to, soak in the bubble bath, read a couple of chapters of his Danielle Steel novel, and have a good cry. With that, he left the building, mounted his Harley Davidson, and rode off to “his oasis” [his words].

With that in mind, I was forced to come up with new strategies to improve our stats, hopefully without having to consult with Thomas. Granted, he’s the boss, but all he will do is dream up some hare-brained idea, and that would only lead to hospitalizations and/or arrests. No, the rest of the staff would have to have a brain-trust and devise a viable plan.

Speaking of plans, Judd is still working on his plan to rescue Seth from the Apple Store. Evidently this entails his using a mock-up model of the Apple Store with Kleenex boxes, plastic Army men, matchbox cars, and miniature figures from his Role-playing-game. I guess I’m portrayed by Zork, a three-eyed elf with magical pixie dust and bow-staff skills.

Okay, so back to our other drama. We got together and brainstormed ideas on how we can improve our online presence. There was a lot of back and forth arguing about things like: the ozone layer, global warming, Al Gore, Chai tea vs. Oolong tea, Justin Bieber’s real gender, and so on. Clearly, we were making some tremendous progress.

At one point, the idea of selling something on our site was presented. Evidently, a couple of our staff members read on a credible site that selling something on a company website was the key to attracting readers turned customers. This sparked inspiration in us, and we then focused on what to sell.

After a bit more back and forth about much of the same topics, we finally decided to return to Seth’s loft, and gather all the Tea Cozies he made for his Etsy page, and try to sell them. Understand. Seth has been missing ever since he entered the Apple Store about a week ago, and we can only surmise he’s been converted, and is now a happy member of the Apple Genius family. It’s common knowledge that there is little to no hope of escaping the Apple Family once you’ve been converted.

Nonetheless, Judd is still dedicated to his rescue mission, and as we speak, has his plastic Army men platoon in formation, and is giving them a compelling pre-embarkation pep-talk. We figure he’ll be okay at the office while the rest of us go to Seth’s and load the van with Tea Cozies.

Cheers for now,

Bill

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