If Thomas’ obsession with government conspiracies wasn’t enough, Thomas was tweeting on Twitter this morning when he saw a headline declaring that the UK has left the EU. “Brexit” is the term now commonly used for this, and it’s only a euphemism to describe Britain’s exit from the EU. This of course, is obvious to those who have the capacity to discern real meanings of words, and the use of Semantics. Thomas, as many of you are learning, is not one of these people.
Thomas couldn’t be bothered to actually read the article either, but rather, saw the headline, created his own meaning behind it, and then sprang into action. He immediately summoned Albert, who was, for some unknown reason, busy measuring the office door handles, and the accompanying deadbolt locks.
Evidently, Thomas thinks that every Briton is planning on leaving the UK, and that would result in a lot of prime Real Estate being left vacant. In Thomas’ mind, this could mean opportunities for expansion and growth for, Thomas Ryan, LLC. Truth be told, the last thing this planet needs, is for Thomas Ryan, LLC to grow and expand.
Recognizing that the UK is an island, Thomas has it in his head that after the Britons leave, there would be tribes of the original, indigenous peoples left behind who would gladly embrace Thomas Ryan, LLC, and our corporate diversity initiatives.
I was not aware we have those, but nonetheless, Thomas wants to go to CopyMax, and make enough copies of our employee handbook so that the leaders of these indigenous tribes will have a clear understanding of who and what we are as a company. This will be a daunting task as none of us currently employed at Thomas Ryan, LLC, have any idea who and what we are as a company.
Thomas then ordered Kendrick, our new Summer intern, to Google the UK, and find any and all information about these tribes. He went on to tell Kendrick to learn what their Mother-tongue is, cultural information, religious preferences, sexual orientations, and so on. Thomas wants to ensure that when we “…get across the Channel, we won’t offend any of these people. That way, we can win their hearts and minds as we teach them the Thomas Ryan, LLC way of life.”
Geography, along with many other academic fields of study, is not Thomas’ strong point. He also told Kendrick to research which is cheaper, bus fare or train fare, and then book a trip to the UK from Florida. Thomas wants to get there post-haste, before those pesky Canadians do. According to Thomas, they have the advantage as they are just that much closer in proximity to the UK. Again, Geography is not Thomas’ strong point.
Thomas then dispatched Albert to our local Barnes & Noble to see if there were any books about these tribes. Albert was the obvious choice, in Thomas’ mind anyway, as he has the necessary training, skills, and mindset to be a former government agent. This will allow Albert to get to Barnes & Noble and back to the office, undetected by the clandestine government agencies that may be watching.
Thomas also gave Albert his Barnes & Noble Membership card, just in case Albert’s skills and training weren’t enough to get past the Barnes & Noble Nook employee that would be stationed directly by the main doors of the store. The card is long expired, but Thomas never has a problem fending off the obnoxious employee at the Nook station, when Thomas goes there and flashes his membership card at said employee. “They wouldn’t dare mess with a club member.” Thomas reassured a dubious Albert.
I could go on, but what’s the point?
Until next time,