It’s been over a year since the last update, and I think it prudent to explain why we have not had an Online presence for so long.
Last year,Thomas Ryan, our CEO, read an article about the National Security Agency [NSA] spying on American citizens. I don’t need to tell you what kind of effect something like that can have on Thomas, do I?
Anyway, the panic-stricken Thomas went into what he called “DEFCON 1,” and immediately ordered everyone in the office to stop thinking, STAT! According to a Wikipedia article that Thomas read shortly after reading the NSA article, the NSA, CIA, FBI, and PTA have the technology to scan our brains, and learn what we are thinking at any given time.
The Wikipedia article went on to say that the Government had conducted an experiment where they scanned the brains of WalMart customers as they entered the store[s]. The results of these scans, the article reported, were so alarming, that the government moved the experiment to Target stores. The scans at Target were equally scary, but it was the scans of the employees that proved more terrifying than did the customers’.
The Wikipedia report went on to report that the success of these experiments motivated the government to expand the brain scans, and thus, now know every thought that all 320 million Americans. This of course, didn’t sit well with the already overly-paranoid Thomas, and led his drastic response.
An emergency meeting was called, but it was held in the gender-specific, Women’s room because the metal walls of the individual stalls would create interference of the federal scanning devices, and should be relatively spy proof. Not wanting to take any chances, Thomas spoke in cryptic phrases and used code words, so we still have no idea what he meant by anything he said. We were able to decipher, “Aluminum Foil,” “Walls,” & “Cling-Film.”
After the meeting, we watched as Thomas wrapped his head in Cling-Film, then put on a baseball hat sans logo, and then practiced making nonchalant movements. “The Cling-Film under the hats,” Thomas explained. “Will distort our thoughts so the scanners can’t get a good read on them without our brains being fried by the Sun’s rays.”
He went on to pick his tactical team to accompany him to the store for necessary supplies in order to make the office equally spy-proof. Each member of the team was to take the same safety precautions Thomas did, so we wouldn’t be compromised, and attract the attention of the undercover government agents Thomas was convinced were masquerading as Jehovah Witnesses. “It’s the haircuts that always gives them away.” Said Thomas.
So now we, the tactical team are sitting at the Public Transit Bus stop, waiting for the 54 Bus to take us part of the way to the store. We’ll then transfer to the 16 Bus which will take us to the Mall across from the actual store we need to go to. According to Thomas, using public transport in this manner will “throw off” the secret agents because they use bicycles, and “…everyone knows bicycles can’t keep up with buses, and the last thing the government would expect us to do, is ride the bus…”
I’ll keep you posted.