As many of you may remember, we here at Thomas Ryan, LLC began the planning of the dangerous mission of saving Seth, our junior editor, from the local Apple Store. That was in January, and it is now May…
Here’s what went wrong: Judd, our tactical “expert” decided to conduct what he called “Recon Ops” at the mall where the Apple store is located. Evidently, his strange manner of dress and behavior got the mall security team’s attention.
When they approached and attempted to dialogue with Judd, he started using the unarmed self-defense techniques he learned from repeatedly watching The Bourne Identity. Obviously, this didn’t go according to plan, and Judd, who weighs in at about 300 lbs, was forced to flee.
Using some more skills he gleaned from the popular Matt Damon film, Judd was able to use his girth to knock the 65 year old security guard aside, and then jump on the security Segway in hopes of making his escape.
Judd was not all that familiar with Segways, and thus, had no idea how to operate one. This led to his ramming the machine into a large potted plastic plant stationed near a large bench that was placed across from the Bath & Body Works store.
All this commotion attracted the attention of the employees of the various stores in the immediate vicinity, and they started to gather near the scene. This included some Apple geniuses from the Apple store.
It should be noted: Apple Store geniuses are quite skilled in Yoga, Pilates, and Feng Shui, so Judd had not a chance against them when they swooped in and restrained him until law enforcement arrived.
Needless to say, after all that, we at the office were not too optimistic on the successful outcome of rescuing our Seth. The remaining staff who were not in jail, started brain-storming alternative ways to get Seth back.
Hopefully we’ll have some good news shortly.