Hello folks, Seth here with another installment of Thomas Ryan, LLC.
As many of you know, we have been searching-albeit not all that aggressively-for Thomas who has been missing for some time now. Well, we found him, and are marginally relieved. For those of you who don’t know who Thomas Ryan is, and/or are not familiar with Thomas’ work, I think it prudent to introduce you to our CEO.
But first, I should tell you that it was actually Bill who “found” Thomas when he woke up and was startled to discover Thomas had let himself into Bill’s condo with a crowbar, and was sitting at Bill’s bedroom computer reading health articles.
Okay, that said, you should know that many of us familiar with Thomas, already know that he is a semi-competent writer, mediocre paint-by-numbers artist, philanthropist, acclaimed squirrel whisperer, and noted Hypochondriac.
In fact, Thomas’ Hypochondrias has compelled him to visit his General Practitioner so much, that he earned a prestigious award, and now has his own parking space at the clinic. Rumor has it that they are also working on naming a malady after Thomas, and that a new program is being developed that will allow Thomas to liberally use experimental pharmaceuticals and other therapies not yet approved by the FDA, AMA, APA, NRA, and EPA.
While Thomas was perusing online health articles, he learned that apples were declared to have significant health benefits. According to the articles, apples can prevent cancer, scabies, crabs, STDs, STIs, anger, hunger, thirst, and mere stupidity in laboratory worms. Thomas was amazed to learn that apples can also help prevent embarrassing gas, butt pimples, and the black plague.
Just as Thomas was scrolling along the web page, a pop-up advert for Apple Computers sprang up on the screen. “Bill!” Thomas exclaimed. “Our office needs Apples! Lots of Apples!”
By now, Bill was fully awake, and not at all happy. “Why?”
“The health benefits, Bill.” Thomas replied. “Look at all these health benefits. Apples will help us all with our incessant health concerns.”
“Our incessant health concerns?” No one else in the office appeared remotely worried about their health. Bill then went on to try to explain that these articles were referring to the fruit, not computers, but Thomas was having none-of-it.
Bill then tried to tell Thomas that the article he was reading was on Wikipedia, and he shouldn’t give too much credence to any article that can be edited by any user. Again, Thomas wasn’t very receptive.
“We need Apples!” Thomas declared again. “C’mon, Bill, we need to go to the office and draft a memo!”
As Bill was getting dressed, he noticed it was two in the morning, and that his wife was not in the bedroom. “Hey, where’s my wife?”
“I think she’s outside talking to the cops.” Thomas answered. “Hurry, Bill, time’s a wasting.”
So there it is. Thomas has arranged for a member of the local Apple Store to come into our office and conduct a demonstration of Apple products. Attendance is mandatory, so the date will have to wait until Thomas is released from jail.
Anyway, until then,