MISSING PERSONS ALERT: We Can’t Find Thomas

Hi folks, Seth from Thomas Ryan, LLC here with a desperate-okay, maybe not all that desperate-plea for help from the public.

Our boss, Thomas Ryan, President, CEO, artist, writer, self-proclaimed: scholar, philanthropist, & philanderer [actually he’s married and never leaves the house except to “work.”] has been missing since our last post on the 19th of November.

Thomas’ disappearance, once it was discovered yesterday, created a moderate sense of concern here at the office, and we quickly embarked on a search campaign for our AWOL boss. Employees were dispatched to Thomas’ known hangouts.

Jared, the assistant to the interns, suggested we go to the police and elicit their help. Jared is new, and didn’t realize that Thomas has essentially alienated the police department by his incessant picketing of the police station, and very public claims that the police department is too diverse, and needs to focus more on the art community, as he is convinced it is filled with spies from Antwerp…more on that later.

Nonetheless, the police did offer to help if we would create flyers to distribute to their patrols and anywhere else we thought would be of a help. However, due to the recent events in Missouri and New York, the police did warn us to refrain from using identifying characteristics like; race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, or hair and eye color, and/or anything else deemed inappropriate on our flyers.

We decided that the best thing we could do is put a photo of Thomas and our contact information on the flyers, and that should keep us relatively safe from the already steamed-up special interest groups. Unfortunately, the only photo able to be applied to the flyer was a “selfie” Thomas got from a security camera at his bank that he intentionally acted suspicious at so the cameras would focus on him, and he somehow convinced the bank manager to release a copy of of the photo him for his Facebook account.

It’s quite grainy, and makes Thomas look nothing like his Sheriff’s Office mugshot from last Summer’s, neighborhood marketing campaign, but it should suffice.

A check of the local hospital and Library wasn’t successful, so we widened our search. One of our employees thought he saw Thomas working at the café of the local bookstore, but it was actually a lady named Lucy, working her way through her Women’s Studies Masters program.

Anyway, the search will go on until we find him, and so will posts from Thomas Ryan, LLC. We, the staff here, are determined to not let this hinder our production. In fact, this may actually help elevate our production as Thomas isn’t here to call brainless meetings and “team-building” events that amount to nothing more than arrests and hospital stays for participants.

Cheers for now,

Seth

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Writer & Artist. Seriously, that's all I do.

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