Thomas Ryan, LLC fights plant abuse

By Bill McCloud

As many of you already know, Thomas Ryan is a well-read CEO…well…he reads a lot of the notifications that pop up on his social media page, and sometimes takes them way too seriously. Plus, he doesn’t actually read the entire articles, but merely scans them for keywords that catch his eye, and then makes his own assumptions as to what the meaning behind the article is.

Thomas recently “read” an article and learned that in many South American countries, plants were routinely abused and killed.   This didn’t sit well with our CEO, and once again, he felt compelled – nay, called – to take action against this global atrocity.

Recognizing that the company funds were limited, and that we still have many legal bills, Thomas decided that the best way to fight these plant-life rights violations is to start at the office, and that just lead to another directive that we are to adhere to immediately.

From this day forward, all employees, visitors, and responding law enforcement officers are to treat the plant-life here at Thomas Ryan, LLC with tenderness and love.  All vocal tones within a 5 foot radius of said plant-life will be soft, gentle, and caring in nature.

Why a 5 foot radius, you ask? Simple, while doing his research for this mission, Thomas read on an Organic website that “Plants are people too, and that they can hear human voices from a maximum of 5 U.S. feet, and they are also sensitive to vocal tones similar to dogs, cats, and spouses.”

To help facilitate this new directive, Thomas had the office water cooler [a 5 gallon bucket with the finest local, organic, sun-dried Florida tap water] surrounded by plant-life, so employees could practice keeping their conversations in acceptable tones and topics.  This way, no plant-life would feel threatened, offended, or fearful that they will be turned into a salad.

From what we understand, Thomas is searching for a qualified instructor to help us learn how to have plant-friendly conversations, and master acceptable, non-offensive, plant-friendly vocabularies.  Thomas thinks that having this organic, free-range, fair-trade training will prevent any litigation initiated by the office plant-life and/or their sympathizers.

 

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