Seth, the assistant to the assistant editor at Thomas Ryan, Inc here with another update of the goings on here at Thomas Ryan.
As many of you know, Thomas Ryan was involved in a melee at a public park where he and his posse of homeless men battled a group of Tai Chi warriors.
This of course resulted in numerous arrests, and blood samples being taken from those involved as a means to determine if recreational drug use was a contributing factor.
Needless to say, many of Thomas’ posse members tested positive for a wide range of controlled substances, but the Tai Chi warriors only tested positive for Chai Tea, and all this did was turn Thomas against Chai tea.
“Those fiends were all kinds of amped up,” Thomas began. “If this is what Chai tea causes people to do, then there is no place for it here in the office.”
Banning Chai tea from the office wasn’t enough for Thomas who now saw himself as a crusader, destined by the Cosmos to rid the planet of such a heinous drug. He now believes that it’s his duty-nay-his calling to banish Chai tea from the earth, and thus, save humanity from the evil effects it so obviously has on humans.
“Think about it,” Thomas started as he typed his anti-Chai tea manifesto on his Commodore 64 computer, “If we can successfully ban Chai Tea, then we can be rid of Yoga, Yoga mats, and coffee drinks containing soy. Also, if there is no more Chai tea, then there won’t be those annoying Tai Chi fucks in the parks anymore.”
Thomas was so motivated by his self-proclaimed “Movement for Humanity” that he hurried off to his probation officer’s office with his dot matrix printed manifesto, and tried to get help from the court system with his quest to ban Chai tea.
All this did of course was inspire his parole officer to have an extensive series of drug and psychological tests performed on Thomas, and a 72 hour hold on him at a local hospital until the results come in.
So I guess that’s all for now-well, at least for the next 72 hours or so.