Bill McCloud here again after almost a year of involuntary rest and contemplation. You see, last December was a turbulent time for Thomas Ryan, Inc., and we were forced to close our doors until the investigation was complete.
Many of you may remember that we had a donkey, Curtis working here as a liaison to the many celebrities who followed our work, and this position did have many perks, but many risks involved as well.
One of those risks was the threat of being converted to Scientology, and Curtis learned in pretty short order that he was not immune to the grip of this “religion.” It wasn’t long before Curtis stopped showing at the office, ignored all of our calls and texts to his mobile phone, and finally, wouldn’t answer his door when we went to his condo.
What we did find was a note taped to the window that stated that Curtis had “…seen the light…” and “He has joined the enlightened ones of space…” and so on. Naturally we assumed this meant he was now a Scientology convert, and we immediately notified Thomas.
Thomas was quick to react, and he assembled what he thought was a band of religious experts who could liberate Curtis. Unbeknownst to us, these experts were really a group of homeless guys Thomas saw sitting under a bridge, debating the relevance of anti-matter that was so prevalent in fast food.
What convinced Thomas that these guys were religious gurus was that one of them claimed to have proof that anti-matter was the root cause of obesity, diabetes, and male-pattern baldness is laboratory humans, but this fact was covered up by clandestine government agencies that used anti-matter as a weapon against free-thought in non-laboratory humans.
Thomas then dispatched the rest of the office staff around town to search for Curtis who was unbelievably discovered in a public park, practicing Tai Chi. Thomas and his posse responded to the park, and before we could explain why Curtis was at the park, Thomas and his posse initiated the rescue mission.
Unfortunately for Thomas, Tai Chi, the most docile form of body control, is also a very effective form of martial arts, and the other practitioners present in the park, were quick to defend Curtis, who they thought was being kidnapped by a band of crazed homeless men.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED: Fearing the worst, Thomas did prepare by arming himself with a taser he bought from a gun show recently, and he did use the personal protection device quite liberally, but as it turned out, he had a difficult time discerning members of his posse from the Tai Chi warriors, and ended up shocking his own troops rather than his opponents.
By the time the large number of law enforcement officer arrived, the melee had turned confusing, and thus, the police officers employed their own tasers, and were none too stingy with the electricity.
By the time things calmed down, the field was littered with homeless men, Tai Chi practitioners, and one very unhappy donkey, lying on their backs, twitching and drooling from all the electroshock therapy administered by the police.
Long story short, we were interviewed by the police as witnesses and allowed to go on about our business, so we contacted Brad, our attorney to bail Thomas out of jail. Thomas was sentenced to 2000 hours of public service, and the operations of Thomas Ryan, Inc. came to a standstill until he could complete his sentence. That said, he is now finished, and we will go on, business as usual.
Anyway, thanks for your time.
Until next time,