Wow, it really has been awhile since our last update, hasn’t it? Hi folks, Bill from Thomas Ryan here.
I think it prudent that I explain why we haven’t posted in so long, and hopefully, we will win back the trust and friendship we think we had with our public.
That said, I will begin by revealing Thomas’ plan to adhere to the new Health Care law that will take effect in 2014.
First: Employees of Thomas Ryan are no longer allowed large sodas at the work place. Any cup or container holding more than 3ozs of liquid will be confiscated by Sven, our new Security Guard from Mexico. Sven is highly trained in weights and measures, and he will be keeping a diligent eye out for the offensive soda amounts we employees try to consume here at Thomas Ryan.
Second: All employees of Thomas Ryan are subject to random physical fitness tests. These tests will be used as gauges of our physical fitness, and thus, will hopefully limit our use of the Health Care system.
These tests will consist of the following mandatory three events:
- Running from speeding vehicles- this event measures the employees cardiovascular fitness level, and thus, give the employee a sense of well being from their ability to avoid being struck by an on-coming motor vehicle .
- Crossing a busy Interstate Highway on foot- this event gauges the employee’s physical agility levels by forcing the employee to use ‘outside the box” thinking, problem solving, and sustainable body movements.
- Dangling from the roof ledge- in this event, employees dangle from the office roof ledge using only their hands, and are instructed to pull themselves back up to the roof surface within an allotted amount of time.
Failure of any one of these events results in a failure of the entire test, and the employee-if they survive-will need to retest within two weeks.
Finally: all employees of Thomas Ryan, Inc are subject to random UA’s and Stool sample tests as a means to measure the employee’s internal health. The random UA samples will be collected by Gunnar Schmidt, a former STASI officer Thomas met at a Spa in Berlin, and the Stool samples will be collected via rectal exam by Diedre-Klaus Herkel, a former East German Woman’s Olympic Shot-put team member.
Thomas sincerely hopes that these measures will help the curtail the excessive use of the already strained US healthcare system, and thus, keep the company costs down, thereby allowing Thomas Ryan, Inc to pass on those savings to you, the consumer.