Hi folks, Seth here,
We’ve been getting hit with an enormous amount of SPAM and Thomas is quite livid. He has yet to find Viagra at the prices they claim, and as a very perverted, forty-something male, he is quite upset that the ‘little, blue pill’ is still so expensive.
After being duped again, Thomas has sworn revenge and hired an IT dude from Craig’s List to develop a program that will, in Thomas’ words, “Annihilate the SPAM BOTS who dare to falsely offer Viagra at a discount.”
Bill and I were able to peek at this guy’s CV, and we were astonished by what was on it. Apparently, this guy was a Navy SEAL from 1988-1989. He then joined the Army Special Forces and served from 1989-1991. After that,, he decided to join “Her Majesty’s Special Air Service” from 1991-1993.
If that wasn’t enough, he then states that he was “recruited by MI5 and offered a very SECRET position within that organization, but elected to join MI6 instead.”
It gets better…his CV goes on to reveal that he has been in “hundreds of firefights while on Secret missions,” and that his “official records are Top Secret, and sealed by Executive Order, and cannot be divulged to anyone.”
It does list, however, all the campaigns this guy was allegedly involved in:
- Desert Storm/Shield
- Niue [Wherever the hell that is]
- Greenland [?]
- Iraq [Of course]
- Afghanistan [again, of course]
If this wasn’t bad enough, Bill couldn’t help but notice the numerous awards listed on this CV. No fewer than 6 Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, a Military Cross, a Queen’s Gallantry Medal, and it just went on and on like this.
What makes all this so incredible is that fact that this guy looks like he’s barely 30 years-old. I think it prudent to also mention that he is …well…okay, I’ll say it: he’s as fat as frog. There ain’t no way in hell this dude did all this, and there is no mention anywhere on this CV of any kind of IT training or experience.
Nonetheless, Thomas has taken him out to lunch – at a secret location to avoid Corporate Espionage – so they can discuss the anti-SPAM strategies.
We here at Thomas Ryan are eagerly waiting for a vast improvement to the employment climate.