Montgomery Gordon got a new, Lzer 4.59 mobile device, complete with email, voice mail, and any other kind of mail we can think of. Not to mention all the latest and greatest APPS, maps, flaps, and anything else needed to fill in the gaps. It goes without saying that he was more than just excited.
The device alone was a mere 495$ and the extended, useless warranty was only another 200$, and because he agreed to a 10 year service agreement, his monthly fee was lowered 5$ to only 95$ a month before taxes, fees, and other ‘applicable’ charges*.
Young Mr. Gordon was so excited that he couldn’t help but download almost every app that popped up on his very colorful screen. Before he knew it, his new mobile device was so loaded with apps, their icons almost completely covered the Justin Bieber wallpaper he downloaded at the store.
One app caught his eye, it was one with only the letters CIA as an icon. Being very interested in attending Culinary Arts school, he naturally thought it was for the Culinary Institute of America, or CIA as it’s commonly known in academic circles.
Unfortunately for our young hero, it was not the Culinary Institute of America, but it was the actual Central Intelligence Agency’s mainframe that an unscrupulous hacker compromised and distributed to unsuspecting mobile device users foolish enough to access and play around on it. One like our young Mr. Gordon.
As he was navigating the strange pages on the site, he began instant messaging with what he thought was a very acerbic Admissions Representative. After a few messages from the Rep. that he perceived as disrespectful, Monte began to send coarse messages back to the ‘Rep.’ and even went as far as demanding his/her identity and the name of his/her superior so he could ‘take care of his/her problem’ and so on.
After a few more tense exchanges of IMs, Monte disconnected from site and decided to calm his nerves with a large, caramel, mocha, double pump latte with whip from his favorite coffee house.
Meanwhile, in Langley, Virginia, the CIA employee who was engaged in what she perceived as a threatening conversation with a clear and present danger to National Security, reported the IM session to her superiors. They immediately zeroed in on Monte’s mobile device position and learned where he was transmitting from.
Transcripts of the IM session were delivered to the agency’s code breakers, and the FBI, County Sheriff’s Office, and city police department in Monte’s area were notified and ordered to seek out and detain this ‘Person of Interest’.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED: Monte doesn’t live in an exorbitantly large city, and thus, the ‘local’ FBI office is about an hour away – they were mobilizing, but they did ask the local Sheriff’s Office and the city police to deploy their SWAT teams to expedite the detention of this threat.
Which they did…being a small Sheriff’s office and an even smaller police department, they were not accustomed to this type of action, and therefore, as expected, over-reacted.
Monte was now standing in the queue, waiting to place his order. He noticed the coffee house had hired a new Barista, and boy was she hot. He took his new mobile device out of the brand new holster the over-joyed clerk at the mobile device store convinced him to buy, and began to exaggerate his skillful manipulation of its features.
He coyly played with his device as he tried to order his large, caramel, mocha, double pump latte with whip as manly as he could in hopes to impress this new employee with his masculine ability to communicate mobily and in person at the same time.
He was so enveloped with his own manliness, that he failed to notice the team of law enforcement officers, in full protective gear, poised at the door of the coffee house ready to make entry. Which they did…very quickly.
The next thing Monte knew, he was surrounded by very manly cops pointing tasers and firearms at him, yelling at him to ‘Get on the ground!’ and ‘Show me your hands!’ and so on. These commands didn’t mean very much as two of the rugged officers grabbed his wrists and helped him ‘get on the ground.’
His brand new, Lzer 4.59 mobile device was secured, placed in an evidence bag, and brought outside to an awaiting CSI van that was now parked in relative close proximity. Monte was raised to his feet, pat-searched and then practically carried outside to a police SUV that came to a tactical, screeching halt in front of the coffee house.
The patrons of the coffee house who were present at the time were ordered to remain in place until they could be identified and interviewed by the police. This did NOT bode well with those who were in a hurry to get to work and/or other important places.
Eventually Monte was interviewed by FBI agents and was released with a very stern warning about internet usage and the like. He is however, waiting to get his new Lzer 4.59 mobile device back that he is still paying 95$ a month before taxes, fees, and other ‘applicable’ charges* for.
Thomas Ryan – firstname.lastname@example.org