Interview with a Turtle: Minus Tom Cruise

After spending a day at the beach with my family, we were attempting to drive out of the parking lot of the public access, when the truck ahead of us stopped, the hippie driver got out, and then ‘rescued’ a turtle that was crossing the entry-drive of the beach.  The driver lifted the turtle and brought it to the grass on the other side of the drive,  got back into his truck and drove off triumphantly.

Noticing that the turtle looked a bit perturbed, I decided to interview him and get his take on the event.

ME:   Wow, what a stroke of good luck that this young man came to your rescue, huh?

TURTLE:  What are you talking about? I didn’t need his help.

ME: Aren’t you happy he prevented you from getting crushed by a car?

TURTLE: Jesus!  If I had a dollar for every long-haired, pot-smoking, good for nothing fucktard who ‘rescued’ me, I’d be a very rich turtle!  I was waiting for you two to drive off so I could get across the road.  But noooo, this dungheap thinks he has to protect me, and all that.  He’s probably on his little iPhone or something, tweeting or face-booking how cool he is, and how he saved a turtle and all that bollocks! ‘Look at me.  I save turtles and other wildlife.  I should get an award or something.’  Then all his useless to society friends will like his status or tweet back and tell him how cool and earth-friendly he is.  Yeah, he should get an award alright.  Jesus! I just want to puke!

ME: Wow, pretty strong feelings there.

TURTLE:  Yeah well, how would you like it if some grease-stain just up and grabbed you and brought you somewhere you didn’t want to go?

ME:  Good point-anything you wish to add?

TURTLE:  Nope.  I gotta go and get to where it was I wanted to go in the first place.

ME: Want any help?

TURTLE: Very funny, ass-clown.

This has been Thomas Ryan.  And now, back to you.


Writer & Artist. Seriously, that's all I do.

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