MISSING PERSONS ALERT: We Can’t Find Thomas

Hi folks, Seth from Thomas Ryan, LLC here with a desperate-okay, maybe not all that desperate-plea for help from the public.

Our boss, Thomas Ryan, President, CEO, artist, writer, self-proclaimed: scholar, philanthropist, & philanderer [actually he’s married and never leaves the house except to “work.”] has been missing since our last post on the 19th of November.

Thomas’ disappearance, once it was discovered yesterday, created a moderate sense of concern here at the office, and we quickly embarked on a search campaign for our AWOL boss. Employees were dispatched to Thomas’ known hangouts.

Jared, the assistant to the interns, suggested we go to the police and elicit their help. Jared is new, and didn’t realize that Thomas has essentially alienated the police department by his incessant picketing of the police station, and very public claims that the police department is too diverse, and needs to focus more on the art community, as he is convinced it is filled with spies from Antwerp…more on that later.

Nonetheless, the police did offer to help if we would create flyers to distribute to their patrols and anywhere else we thought would be of a help. However, due to the recent events in Missouri and New York, the police did warn us to refrain from using identifying characteristics like; race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, or hair and eye color, and/or anything else deemed inappropriate on our flyers.

We decided that the best thing we could do is put a photo of Thomas and our contact information on the flyers, and that should keep us relatively safe from the already steamed-up special interest groups. Unfortunately, the only photo able to be applied to the flyer was a “selfie” Thomas got from a security camera at his bank that he intentionally acted suspicious at so the cameras would focus on him, and he somehow convinced the bank manager to release a copy of of the photo him for his Facebook account.

It’s quite grainy, and makes Thomas look nothing like his Sheriff’s Office mugshot from last Summer’s, neighborhood marketing campaign, but it should suffice.

A check of the local hospital and Library wasn’t successful, so we widened our search. One of our employees thought he saw Thomas working at the café of the local bookstore, but it was actually a lady named Lucy, working her way through her Women’s Studies Masters program.

Anyway, the search will go on until we find him, and so will posts from Thomas Ryan, LLC. We, the staff here, are determined to not let this hinder our production. In fact, this may actually help elevate our production as Thomas isn’t here to call brainless meetings and “team-building” events that amount to nothing more than arrests and hospital stays for participants.

Cheers for now,

Seth

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Help Wanted: It was anyway

With the mid-term elections over, we here at Thomas Ryan, LLC have returned to “business as usual.”  Actually, the mid-term elections was not the reason for yet another one of our hard-to-explain hiatuses. Truth be told, we have been absent from cyberspace due to Thomas’ self-imposed quest to save the extinct Japanese River Otters.

While conducting research online at Wikipedia.com, “…the most reliable. online resource.” Thomas’ words, not mine.  Thomas learned that the Japanese River Otters were never a real species, but one that was created by the Republicans as a means to prove that they were not Speciesists as many Democrats were claiming right before the mid-term elections.

As Thomas neglected his duties here at the office, which included ignoring the many collections letters, and attempts by our Internet Service Provider to notify us of a service rate increase, the letters piled up on his desk, unopened.  When Thomas finally did open one of these letters, he was immediately incensed, and called the customer service line to investigate.

The only part of that English-as-a-second-language conversation with the customer service representative that Thomas understood was “bandwidth,” and this led Thomas to believe that we were now being charged for-or overcharged-for our bandwidth usage.

The Japanese River Otter scandal was going to have to wait until Thomas dealt with what he considered was ISP Bandwidth price gouging.  He then placed an add in the local paper for an I.T. Professional.  Clearly, Thomas thought he needed to bring out the big guns for this “David and Goliath” fight.

As luck would have it, a young man named Reed submitted his CV, and out of all the I.T. certified professionals who responded, Reed was the only one who ever worked at an Apple store in the local mall, and that, to Thomas, was indicative of Reed’s potential.  That said, young Reed was invited to an interview.

During the interview, Reed told us that he had won the “Genius of the Month” Award in October due to his ability to sell the most Apple products to more technologically-illiterate customers than his co-workers.  Winning this prestigious award meant that Reed could wear his black, mock turtle-neck shirt and jeans outside of the Apple store for the remainder of the month of October, along with a silver colored Apple logo necklace.  Everywhere that Reed went between Oct 26th through the 31st, the people he encountered would be able to identify him as either an Apple Genius, or just someone who really likes Apple products.

The thought of having an award winning, I.T. “genius” on staff was way too exciting for Thomas to pass up, so he immediately hired Reed as the Company Bandwidth Manager.

I could go on, but as we speak, Reed is working on finding software that will enable him to measure exactly how much bandwidth we are using, and that means I should cut this short before I’m issued a “Bandwidth Abuse” ticket.  I don’t what that means either, but we will keep you posted.

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Thomas Ryan, LLC fights plant abuse

By Bill McCloud

As many of you already know, Thomas Ryan is a well-read CEO…well…he reads a lot of the notifications that pop up on his social media page, and sometimes takes them way too seriously. Plus, he doesn’t actually read the entire articles, but merely scans them for keywords that catch his eye, and then makes his own assumptions as to what the meaning behind the article is.

Thomas recently “read” an article and learned that in many South American countries, plants were routinely abused and killed.   This didn’t sit well with our CEO, and once again, he felt compelled – nay, called – to take action against this global atrocity.

Recognizing that the company funds were limited, and that we still have many legal bills, Thomas decided that the best way to fight these plant-life rights violations is to start at the office, and that just lead to another directive that we are to adhere to immediately.

From this day forward, all employees, visitors, and responding law enforcement officers are to treat the plant-life here at Thomas Ryan, LLC with tenderness and love.  All vocal tones within a 5 foot radius of said plant-life will be soft, gentle, and caring in nature.

Why a 5 foot radius, you ask? Simple, while doing his research for this mission, Thomas read on an Organic website that “Plants are people too, and that they can hear human voices from a maximum of 5 U.S. feet, and they are also sensitive to vocal tones similar to dogs, cats, and spouses.”

To help facilitate this new directive, Thomas had the office water cooler [a 5 gallon bucket with the finest local, organic, sun-dried Florida tap water] surrounded by plant-life, so employees could practice keeping their conversations in acceptable tones and topics.  This way, no plant-life would feel threatened, offended, or fearful that they will be turned into a salad.

From what we understand, Thomas is searching for a qualified instructor to help us learn how to have plant-friendly conversations, and master acceptable, non-offensive, plant-friendly vocabularies.  Thomas thinks that having this organic, free-range, fair-trade training will prevent any litigation initiated by the office plant-life and/or their sympathizers.

 

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New Directive: Chai Tea banned from Thomas Ryan, Inc

Hi folks,

Seth, the assistant to the assistant editor at Thomas Ryan, Inc here with another update of the goings on here at Thomas Ryan.

As many of you know, Thomas Ryan was involved in a melee at a public park where he and his posse of homeless men battled a group of Tai Chi warriors.

This of course resulted in numerous arrests, and blood samples being taken from those involved as a means to determine if recreational drug use was a contributing factor.

Needless to say, many of Thomas’ posse members tested positive for a wide range of controlled substances, but the Tai Chi warriors only tested positive for Chai Tea, and all this did was turn Thomas against Chai tea.

“Those fiends were all kinds of amped up,” Thomas began.  “If this is what Chai tea causes people to do, then there is no place for it here in the office.”

Banning Chai tea from the office wasn’t enough for Thomas who now saw himself as a crusader, destined by the Cosmos to rid the planet of such a heinous drug.  He now believes that it’s his duty-nay-his calling to banish Chai tea from the earth, and thus, save humanity from the evil effects it so obviously has on humans.

“Think about it,” Thomas started as he typed his anti-Chai tea manifesto on his Commodore 64 computer,  “If we can successfully ban Chai Tea, then we can be rid of Yoga, Yoga mats, and coffee drinks containing soy.  Also, if there is no more Chai tea, then there won’t be those annoying Tai Chi fucks in the parks anymore.”

Thomas was so motivated by his self-proclaimed “Movement for Humanity” that he hurried off to his probation officer’s office with his dot matrix printed manifesto, and tried to get help from the court system with his quest to ban Chai tea.

All this did of course was inspire his parole officer to have an extensive series of drug and psychological tests performed on Thomas, and a 72 hour hold on him at a local hospital until the results come in.

So I guess that’s all for now-well, at least for the next 72 hours or so.

*sigh*

Cheers,

Seth

 

 

 

 

 

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A Sabbatical: Thomas Ryan style

Hello all,

Bill McCloud here again after almost a year of involuntary rest and contemplation.  You see, last December was a turbulent time for Thomas Ryan, Inc., and we were forced to close our doors until the investigation was complete.

Many of you may remember that we had a donkey, Curtis working here as a liaison to the many celebrities who followed our work, and this position did have many perks, but many risks involved as well.

One of those risks was the threat of being converted to Scientology, and Curtis learned in pretty short order that he was not immune to the grip of this “religion.”  It wasn’t long before Curtis stopped showing at the office, ignored all of our calls and texts to his mobile phone, and finally, wouldn’t answer his door when we went to his condo.

What we did find was a note taped to the window that stated that Curtis had “…seen the light…” and “He has joined the enlightened ones of space…” and so on.  Naturally we assumed this meant he was now a Scientology convert, and we immediately notified Thomas.

Thomas was quick to react, and he assembled what he thought was a band of religious experts who could liberate Curtis.  Unbeknownst to us, these experts were really a group of homeless guys Thomas saw sitting under a bridge, debating the relevance of anti-matter that was so prevalent in fast food.

What convinced Thomas that these guys were religious gurus was that one of them claimed to have proof that anti-matter was the root cause of obesity, diabetes, and male-pattern baldness is laboratory humans, but this fact was covered up by clandestine government agencies that used anti-matter as a weapon against free-thought in non-laboratory humans.

Thomas then dispatched the rest of the office staff around town to search for Curtis who was unbelievably discovered in a public park, practicing Tai Chi.  Thomas and his posse responded to the park, and before we could explain why Curtis was at the park, Thomas and his posse initiated the rescue mission.

Unfortunately for Thomas, Tai Chi, the most docile form of body control, is also a very effective form of martial arts, and the other practitioners present in the park, were quick to defend Curtis, who they thought was being kidnapped by a band of crazed homeless men.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED: Fearing the worst, Thomas did prepare by arming himself with a taser he bought from a gun show recently, and he did use the personal protection device quite liberally, but as it turned out, he had a difficult time discerning members of his posse from the Tai Chi warriors, and ended up shocking his own troops rather than his opponents.

By the time the large number of law enforcement officer arrived, the melee had turned confusing, and thus, the police officers employed their own tasers, and were none too stingy with the electricity.

By the time things calmed down, the field was littered with homeless men, Tai Chi practitioners, and one very unhappy donkey, lying on their backs, twitching and drooling from all the electroshock therapy administered by the police.

Long story short, we were interviewed by the police as witnesses and allowed to go on about our business, so we contacted Brad, our attorney to bail Thomas out of jail.  Thomas was sentenced to 2000 hours of public service, and the operations of Thomas Ryan, Inc. came to a standstill until he could complete his sentence.  That said, he is now finished, and we will go on, business as usual.

Anyway, thanks for your time.

Until next time,

Bill

 

 

 

 

 

 

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EFFECTIVE Immediately

Wow, it really has been awhile since our last update, hasn’t it?  Hi folks, Bill from Thomas Ryan here.

I think it prudent that I explain why we haven’t posted in so long, and hopefully, we will win back the trust and friendship we think we had with our public.

That said, I will begin by revealing Thomas’ plan to adhere to the new Health Care law that will take effect in 2014.

First:  Employees of Thomas Ryan are no longer allowed large sodas at the work place.  Any cup or container holding more than 3ozs of liquid will be confiscated by Sven, our new Security Guard from Mexico.  Sven is highly trained in weights and measures, and he will be keeping a diligent eye out for the offensive soda amounts we employees try to consume here at Thomas Ryan.

Second:  All employees of Thomas Ryan are subject to random physical fitness tests.  These tests will be used as gauges of our physical fitness, and thus, will hopefully limit our use of the Health Care system.

These tests will consist of the following mandatory three events:

  1. Running from speeding vehicles- this event measures the employees cardiovascular fitness level, and thus, give the employee a sense of well being from their ability to avoid being struck by an on-coming motor vehicle .
  2. Crossing a busy Interstate Highway on foot- this event gauges the employee’s physical agility levels by forcing the employee to use ‘outside the box” thinking, problem solving, and sustainable body movements.
  3. Dangling from the roof ledge- in this event, employees dangle from the office roof ledge using only their hands, and are instructed to pull themselves back up to the roof surface within an allotted amount of time.

Failure of any one of these events results in a failure of the entire test, and the employee-if they survive-will need to retest within two weeks.

Finally: all employees of Thomas Ryan, Inc are subject to random UA’s and Stool sample tests as a means to measure the employee’s internal health.  The random UA samples will be collected by Gunnar Schmidt, a former STASI officer Thomas met at a Spa in Berlin, and the Stool samples will be collected via rectal exam by Diedre-Klaus Herkel, a former East German Woman’s Olympic Shot-put team member.

Thomas sincerely hopes that these measures will help the curtail the excessive use of the already strained US healthcare system, and thus, keep the company costs down, thereby allowing Thomas Ryan, Inc to pass on those savings to you, the consumer.

Nervously yours,

Bill

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The Enigma: Thomas Ryan

Hi all, Seth here,

As many of you already know, Thomas is very diligent in keeping up with current affairs and he is already taking drastic measures to prepare for the new Health Care Law.  This by no means denotes that he understands the law, but he has taken careful measures to assist him in learning all he can about this new, Federal requirement.

Thomas hired Ovidu, a Romanian “Business man” he met while on holiday in Greenland over the Christmas Hiatus to read and interpret the new law.  Fearing potential issues with the translation, Thomas included Jose, our Japanese interpreter in this project, and thus, the end result was about what you can imagine it was.

Turns out, Thomas, as an employer of more than 10 staff, but less than 10.75 staff is 4.35% exempt from inclusion of the last appendix entry of paragraph b, pp 2-3, but the exclusion[s] of sub-table II, paragraph 4-g, unless the company and/or firm is owned by or employs members of the opposite gender, notwithstanding other genders based on heredity, creed, or religious preferences as noted in appendix H, p 2.3.4, paragraph 5-h.

Thomas was very happy to learn that he is also exempt from inclusion in the exemptions listed on pp12,378-20,456 where it clearly states that “Employers that routinely employ employees of the same or different political affiliations, but not parties of political stature and balance, are exempt from the inclusions of the exemptions to the inclusions thereby negating the need for exemption from the inclusions listed in but quantified in, the above listed exemption clause therein.”

After the meeting, Thomas called a full-staff conference and was delighted to announce that no cuts to staffing will have to be made, and that we will continue to work without being charged for health coverage unless of course, we use the health services of hospitals, clinics, or dental offices.

What a relief!

Anyway, that’s it from here.

Seth

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SPAM BOTS: Must be destroyed

Hi folks, Seth here,

We’ve been getting hit with an enormous amount of SPAM and Thomas is quite livid.  He has yet to find Viagra at the prices they claim, and as a very perverted, forty-something male, he is quite upset that the ‘little, blue pill’ is still so expensive.

After being duped again, Thomas has sworn revenge and hired an IT dude from Craig’s List to develop a program that will, in Thomas’ words, “Annihilate the SPAM BOTS who dare to falsely offer Viagra at a discount.”

Bill and I were able to peek at this guy’s CV, and we were astonished by what was on it.  Apparently, this guy was a Navy SEAL from 1988-1989.  He then joined the Army Special Forces and served from 1989-1991.  After that,, he decided to join “Her Majesty’s Special Air Service” from 1991-1993.

If that wasn’t enough, he then states that he was “recruited by MI5 and offered a very SECRET position within that organization, but elected to join MI6 instead.”

It gets better…his CV goes on to reveal that he has been in “hundreds of firefights while on Secret missions,” and that his “official records are Top Secret, and sealed by Executive Order, and cannot be divulged to anyone.”

It does list, however, all the campaigns this guy was allegedly involved in:

  1. Grenada
  2. Panama
  3. Desert Storm/Shield
  4. Somalia
  5. Niue [Wherever the hell that is]
  6. Greenland [?]
  7. Iraq [Of course]
  8. Afghanistan [again, of course]

If this wasn’t bad enough, Bill couldn’t help but notice the numerous awards listed on this CV.  No fewer than 6 Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, a Military Cross, a Queen’s Gallantry Medal, and it just went on and on like this.

What makes all this so incredible is that fact that this guy looks like he’s barely 30 years-old.  I think it prudent to also mention that he is …well…okay, I’ll say it:  he’s as fat as frog.  There ain’t no way in hell this dude did all this, and there is no mention anywhere on this CV of any kind of IT training or experience.

Nonetheless, Thomas has taken him out to lunch – at a secret location to avoid Corporate Espionage – so they can discuss the anti-SPAM strategies.

We here at Thomas Ryan are eagerly waiting for a vast improvement to the employment climate.

Until then,

Seth

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57 Days!? Really!? Oh Shit!

Hello all, Bill McCloud here,

Well, it has been a long time since we have been able to dialogue with you all, and for that, we apologize.  Things have slowed down quite a bit, and due to the current economic climate, we have had to trim the staff.

As many of you know, Thomas started college in October, and all has not gone well.  It’s a Christian college, and there are certain rules that they expect students to adhere to.  Behaviors that are acceptable in the Secular World are not all that tolerable in a religious one.  Thomas has failed to understand this, and he is now on a probation of sorts.

For example: He is no longer allowed to attach photographs of any kind to his assignments, or on the discussion boards.  The less said about why this restriction is in place, the better.

Apparently Thomas was not able to pass the basic Math and English Assessment tests- in fact – he had Jose, our Japanese interpreter take the English Assessment, and well, that didn’t achieve the desired results.

Martha, the strange woman who likes to sit outside of our office, and argue with the bricks of our exterior wall, was able to convince Thomas that she was once a Math Professor in Tibet, and so he had her do the Math Assessment…yep…

To help with his school work, Thomas hired The Shaman and Curtis, his donkey – you remember them, yes? – to tutor him in his current class load…

I understand Curtis is quite the Math whiz, while The Shaman-who usually speaks in gibberish and spittle-has a Graduate degree in English from a prestigious, Online ‘University’ in India.

We strongly suspect it won’t be long before Thomas returns to the office as a college drop out.

Time will tell.

Until next time,

Bill

 

 

 

 

 

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