EFFECTIVE Immediately

Wow, it really has been awhile since our last update, hasn’t it?  Hi folks, Bill from Thomas Ryan here.

I think it prudent that I explain why we haven’t posted in so long, and hopefully, we will win back the trust and friendship we think we had with our public.

That said, I will begin by revealing Thomas’ plan to adhere to the new Health Care law that will take effect in 2014.

First:  Employees of Thomas Ryan are no longer allowed large sodas at the work place.  Any cup or container holding more than 3ozs of liquid will be confiscated by Sven, our new Security Guard from Mexico.  Sven is highly trained in weights and measures, and he will be keeping a diligent eye out for the offensive soda amounts we employees try to consume here at Thomas Ryan.

Second:  All employees of Thomas Ryan are subject to random physical fitness tests.  These tests will be used as gauges of our physical fitness, and thus, will hopefully limit our use of the Health Care system.

These tests will consist of the following mandatory three events:

  1. Running from speeding vehicles- this event measures the employees cardiovascular fitness level, and thus, give the employee a sense of well being from their ability to avoid being struck by an on-coming motor vehicle .
  2. Crossing a busy Interstate Highway on foot- this event gauges the employee’s physical agility levels by forcing the employee to use ‘outside the box” thinking, problem solving, and sustainable body movements.
  3. Dangling from the roof ledge- in this event, employees dangle from the office roof ledge using only their hands, and are instructed to pull themselves back up to the roof surface within an allotted amount of time.

Failure of any one of these events results in a failure of the entire test, and the employee-if they survive-will need to retest within two weeks.

Finally: all employees of Thomas Ryan, Inc are subject to random UA’s and Stool sample tests as a means to measure the employee’s internal health.  The random UA samples will be collected by Gunnar Schmidt, a former STASI officer Thomas met at a Spa in Berlin, and the Stool samples will be collected via rectal exam by Diedre-Klaus Herkel, a former East German Woman’s Olympic Shot-put team member.

Thomas sincerely hopes that these measures will help the curtail the excessive use of the already strained US healthcare system, and thus, keep the company costs down, thereby allowing Thomas Ryan, Inc to pass on those savings to you, the consumer.

Nervously yours,

Bill

The Enigma: Thomas Ryan

Hi all, Seth here,

As many of you already know, Thomas is very diligent in keeping up with current affairs and he is already taking drastic measures to prepare for the new Health Care Law.  This by no means denotes that he understands the law, but he has taken careful measures to assist him in learning all he can about this new, Federal requirement.

Thomas hired Ovidu, a Romanian “Business man” he met while on holiday in Greenland over the Christmas Hiatus to read and interpret the new law.  Fearing potential issues with the translation, Thomas included Jose, our Japanese interpreter in this project, and thus, the end result was about what you can imagine it was.

Turns out, Thomas, as an employer of more than 10 staff, but less than 10.75 staff is 4.35% exempt from inclusion of the last appendix entry of paragraph b, pp 2-3, but the exclusion[s] of sub-table II, paragraph 4-g, unless the company and/or firm is owned by or employs members of the opposite gender, notwithstanding other genders based on heredity, creed, or religious preferences as noted in appendix H, p 2.3.4, paragraph 5-h.

Thomas was very happy to learn that he is also exempt from inclusion in the exemptions listed on pp12,378-20,456 where it clearly states that “Employers that routinely employ employees of the same or different political affiliations, but not parties of political stature and balance, are exempt from the inclusions of the exemptions to the inclusions thereby negating the need for exemption from the inclusions listed in but quantified in, the above listed exemption clause therein.”

After the meeting, Thomas called a full-staff conference and was delighted to announce that no cuts to staffing will have to be made, and that we will continue to work without being charged for health coverage unless of course, we use the health services of hospitals, clinics, or dental offices.

What a relief!

Anyway, that’s it from here.

Seth

SPAM BOTS: Must be destroyed

Hi folks, Seth here,

We’ve been getting hit with an enormous amount of SPAM and Thomas is quite livid.  He has yet to find Viagra at the prices they claim, and as a very perverted, forty-something male, he is quite upset that the ‘little, blue pill’ is still so expensive.

After being duped again, Thomas has sworn revenge and hired an IT dude from Craig’s List to develop a program that will, in Thomas’ words, “Annihilate the SPAM BOTS who dare to falsely offer Viagra at a discount.”

Bill and I were able to peek at this guy’s CV, and we were astonished by what was on it.  Apparently, this guy was a Navy SEAL from 1988-1989.  He then joined the Army Special Forces and served from 1989-1991.  After that,, he decided to join “Her Majesty’s Special Air Service” from 1991-1993.

If that wasn’t enough, he then states that he was “recruited by MI5 and offered a very SECRET position within that organization, but elected to join MI6 instead.”

It gets better…his CV goes on to reveal that he has been in “hundreds of firefights while on Secret missions,” and that his “official records are Top Secret, and sealed by Executive Order, and cannot be divulged to anyone.”

It does list, however, all the campaigns this guy was allegedly involved in:

  1. Grenada
  2. Panama
  3. Desert Storm/Shield
  4. Somalia
  5. Niue [Wherever the hell that is]
  6. Greenland [?]
  7. Iraq [Of course]
  8. Afghanistan [again, of course]

If this wasn’t bad enough, Bill couldn’t help but notice the numerous awards listed on this CV.  No fewer than 6 Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, a Military Cross, a Queen’s Gallantry Medal, and it just went on and on like this.

What makes all this so incredible is that fact that this guy looks like he’s barely 30 years-old.  I think it prudent to also mention that he is …well…okay, I’ll say it:  he’s as fat as frog.  There ain’t no way in hell this dude did all this, and there is no mention anywhere on this CV of any kind of IT training or experience.

Nonetheless, Thomas has taken him out to lunch – at a secret location to avoid Corporate Espionage – so they can discuss the anti-SPAM strategies.

We here at Thomas Ryan are eagerly waiting for a vast improvement to the employment climate.

Until then,

Seth