Help Wanted: It was anyway

With the mid-term elections over, we here at Thomas Ryan, LLC have returned to “business as usual.”  Actually, the mid-term elections was not the reason for yet another one of our hard-to-explain hiatuses. Truth be told, we have been absent from cyberspace due to Thomas’ self-imposed quest to save the extinct Japanese River Otters.

While conducting research online at Wikipedia.com, “…the most reliable. online resource.” Thomas’ words, not mine.  Thomas learned that the Japanese River Otters were never a real species, but one that was created by the Republicans as a means to prove that they were not Speciesists as many Democrats were claiming right before the mid-term elections.

As Thomas neglected his duties here at the office, which included ignoring the many collections letters, and attempts by our Internet Service Provider to notify us of a service rate increase, the letters piled up on his desk, unopened.  When Thomas finally did open one of these letters, he was immediately incensed, and called the customer service line to investigate.

The only part of that English-as-a-second-language conversation with the customer service representative that Thomas understood was “bandwidth,” and this led Thomas to believe that we were now being charged-for or overcharged-for our bandwidth usage.

The Japanese River Otter scandal was going to have to wait until Thomas dealt with what he considered was ISP Bandwidth price gouging.  He then placed an add in the local paper for an I.T. Professional.  Clearly, Thomas thought he needed to bring out the big guns for this “David and Goliath” fight.

As luck would have it, a young man named Reed submitted his CV, and out of all the I.T. certified professionals who responded, Reed was the only one who ever worked at an Apple store in the local mall, and that, to Thomas, was indicative of Reed’s potential.  That said, young Reed was invited to an interview.

During the interview, Reed told us that he had won the “Genius of the Month” Award in October due to his ability to sell the most Apple products to more technologically-illiterate customers than his co-workers.  Winning this prestigious award meant that Reed could wear his black, mock turtle-neck shirt and jeans outside of the Apple store for the remainder of the month of October, along with a silver colored Apple logo necklace.  Everywhere that Reed went between Oct 26th through the 31st, the people he encountered would be able to identify him as either an Apple Genius, or just someone who really likes Apple products.

The thought of having an award winning, I.T. “genius” on staff was way too exciting for Thomas to pass up, so he immediately hired Reed as the Company Bandwidth Manager.

I could go on, but as we speak, Reed is working on finding software that will enable him to measure exactly how much bandwidth we are using, and that means I should cut this short before I’m issued a “Bandwidth Abuse” ticket.  I don’t what that means either, but we will keep you posted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thomas Ryan, LLC fights plant abuse

By Bill McCloud

As many of you already know, Thomas Ryan is a well-read CEO…well…he reads a lot of the notifications that pop up on his social media page, and sometimes takes them way too seriously. Plus, he doesn’t actually read the entire articles, but merely scans them for keywords that catch his eye, and then makes his own assumptions as to what the meaning behind the article is.

Thomas recently “read” an article and learned that in many South American countries, plants were routinely abused and killed.   This didn’t sit well with our CEO, and once again, he felt compelled – nay, called – to take action against this global atrocity.

Recognizing that the company funds were limited, and that we still have many legal bills, Thomas decided that the best way to fight these plant-life rights violations is to start at the office, and that just lead to another directive that we are to adhere to immediately.

From this day forward, all employees, visitors, and responding law enforcement officers are to treat the plant-life here at Thomas Ryan, LLC with tenderness and love.  All vocal tones within a 5 foot radius of said plant-life will be soft, gentle, and caring in nature.

Why a 5 foot radius, you ask? Simple, while doing his research for this mission, Thomas read on an Organic website that “Plants are people too, and that they can hear human voices from a maximum of 5 U.S. feet, and they are also sensitive to vocal tones similar to dogs, cats, and spouses.”

To help facilitate this new directive, Thomas had the office water cooler [a 5 gallon bucket with the finest local, organic, sun-dried Florida tap water] surrounded by plant-life, so employees could practice keeping their conversations in acceptable tones and topics.  This way, no plant-life would feel threatened, offended, or fearful that they will be turned into a salad.

From what we understand, Thomas is searching for a qualified instructor to help us learn how to have plant-friendly conversations, and master acceptable, non-offensive, plant-friendly vocabularies.  Thomas thinks that having this organic, free-range, fair-trade training will prevent any litigation initiated by the office plant-life and/or their sympathizers.

 

New Directive: Chai Tea banned from Thomas Ryan, Inc

Hi folks,

Seth, the assistant to the assistant editor at Thomas Ryan, Inc here with another update of the goings on here at Thomas Ryan.

As many of you know, Thomas Ryan was involved in a melee at a public park where he and his posse of homeless men battled a group of Tai Chi warriors.

This of course resulted in numerous arrests, and blood samples being taken from those involved as a means to determine if recreational drug use was a contributing factor.

Needless to say, many of Thomas’ posse members tested positive for a wide range of controlled substances, but the Tai Chi warriors only tested positive for Chai Tea, and all this did was turn Thomas against Chai tea.

“Those fiends were all kinds of amped up,” Thomas began.  “If this is what Chai tea causes people to do, then there is no place for it here in the office.”

Banning Chai tea from the office wasn’t enough for Thomas who now saw himself as a crusader, destined by the Cosmos to rid the planet of such a heinous drug.  He now believes that it’s his duty-nay-his calling to banish Chai tea from the earth, and thus, save humanity from the evil effects it so obviously has on humans.

“Think about it,” Thomas started as he typed his anti-Chai tea manifesto on his Commodore 64 computer,  “If we can successfully ban Chai Tea, then we can be rid of Yoga, Yoga mats, and coffee drinks containing soy.  Also, if there is no more Chai tea, then there won’t be those annoying Tai Chi fucks in the parks anymore.”

Thomas was so motivated by his self-proclaimed “Movement for Humanity” that he hurried off to his probation officer’s office with his dot matrix printed manifesto, and tried to get help from the court system with his quest to ban Chai tea.

All this did of course was inspire his parole officer to have an extensive series of drug and psychological tests performed on Thomas, and a 72 hour hold on him at a local hospital until the results come in.

So I guess that’s all for now-well, at least for the next 72 hours or so.

*sigh*

Cheers,

Seth