Thomas Ryan, LLC fights plant abuse

By Bill McCloud

As many of you already know, Thomas Ryan is a well-read CEO…well…he reads a lot of the notifications that pop up on his social media page, and sometimes takes them way too seriously. Plus, he doesn’t actually read the entire articles, but merely scans them for keywords that catch his eye, and then makes his own assumptions as to what the meaning behind the article is.

Thomas recently “read” an article and learned that in many South American countries, plants were routinely abused and killed.   This didn’t sit well with our CEO, and once again, he felt compelled – nay, called – to take action against this global atrocity.

Recognizing that the company funds were limited, and that we still have many legal bills, Thomas decided that the best way to fight these plant-life rights violations is to start at the office, and that just lead to another directive that we are to adhere to immediately.

From this day forward, all employees, visitors, and responding law enforcement officers are to treat the plant-life here at Thomas Ryan, LLC with tenderness and love.  All vocal tones within a 5 foot radius of said plant-life will be soft, gentle, and caring in nature.

Why a 5 foot radius, you ask? Simple, while doing his research for this mission, Thomas read on an Organic website that “Plants are people too, and that they can hear human voices from a maximum of 5 U.S. feet, and they are also sensitive to vocal tones similar to dogs, cats, and spouses.”

To help facilitate this new directive, Thomas had the office water cooler [a 5 gallon bucket with the finest local, organic, sun-dried Florida tap water] surrounded by plant-life, so employees could practice keeping their conversations in acceptable tones and topics.  This way, no plant-life would feel threatened, offended, or fearful that they will be turned into a salad.

From what we understand, Thomas is searching for a qualified instructor to help us learn how to have plant-friendly conversations, and master acceptable, non-offensive, plant-friendly vocabularies.  Thomas thinks that having this organic, free-range, fair-trade training will prevent any litigation initiated by the office plant-life and/or their sympathizers.

 

New Directive: Chai Tea banned from Thomas Ryan, Inc

Hi folks,

Seth, the assistant to the assistant editor at Thomas Ryan, Inc here with another update of the goings on here at Thomas Ryan.

As many of you know, Thomas Ryan was involved in a melee at a public park where he and his posse of homeless men battled a group of Tai Chi warriors.

This of course resulted in numerous arrests, and blood samples being taken from those involved as a means to determine if recreational drug use was a contributing factor.

Needless to say, many of Thomas’ posse members tested positive for a wide range of controlled substances, but the Tai Chi warriors only tested positive for Chai Tea, and all this did was turn Thomas against Chai tea.

“Those fiends were all kinds of amped up,” Thomas began.  “If this is what Chai tea causes people to do, then there is no place for it here in the office.”

Banning Chai tea from the office wasn’t enough for Thomas who now saw himself as a crusader, destined by the Cosmos to rid the planet of such a heinous drug.  He now believes that it’s his duty-nay-his calling to banish Chai tea from the earth, and thus, save humanity from the evil effects it so obviously has on humans.

“Think about it,” Thomas started as he typed his anti-Chai tea manifesto on his Commodore 64 computer,  “If we can successfully ban Chai Tea, then we can be rid of Yoga, Yoga mats, and coffee drinks containing soy.  Also, if there is no more Chai tea, then there won’t be those annoying Tai Chi fucks in the parks anymore.”

Thomas was so motivated by his self-proclaimed “Movement for Humanity” that he hurried off to his probation officer’s office with his dot matrix printed manifesto, and tried to get help from the court system with his quest to ban Chai tea.

All this did of course was inspire his parole officer to have an extensive series of drug and psychological tests performed on Thomas, and a 72 hour hold on him at a local hospital until the results come in.

So I guess that’s all for now-well, at least for the next 72 hours or so.

*sigh*

Cheers,

Seth

 

 

 

 

 

A Sabbatical: Thomas Ryan style

Hello all,

Bill McCloud here again after almost a year of involuntary rest and contemplation.  You see, last December was a turbulent time for Thomas Ryan, Inc., and we were forced to close our doors until the investigation was complete.

Many of you may remember that we had a donkey, Curtis working here as a liaison to the many celebrities who followed our work, and this position did have many perks, but many risks involved as well.

One of those risks was the threat of being converted to Scientology, and Curtis learned in pretty short order that he was not immune to the grip of this “religion.”  It wasn’t long before Curtis stopped showing at the office, ignored all of our calls and texts to his mobile phone, and finally, wouldn’t answer his door when we went to his condo.

What we did find was a note taped to the window that stated that Curtis had “…seen the light…” and “He has joined the enlightened ones of space…” and so on.  Naturally we assumed this meant he was now a Scientology convert, and we immediately notified Thomas.

Thomas was quick to react, and he assembled what he thought was a band of religious experts who could liberate Curtis.  Unbeknownst to us, these experts were really a group of homeless guys Thomas saw sitting under a bridge, debating the relevance of anti-matter that was so prevalent in fast food.

What convinced Thomas that these guys were religious gurus was that one of them claimed to have proof that anti-matter was the root cause of obesity, diabetes, and male-pattern baldness is laboratory humans, but this fact was covered up by clandestine government agencies that used anti-matter as a weapon against free-thought in non-laboratory humans.

Thomas then dispatched the rest of the office staff around town to search for Curtis who was unbelievably discovered in a public park, practicing Tai Chi.  Thomas and his posse responded to the park, and before we could explain why Curtis was at the park, Thomas and his posse initiated the rescue mission.

Unfortunately for Thomas, Tai Chi, the most docile form of body control, is also a very effective form of martial arts, and the other practitioners present in the park, were quick to defend Curtis, who they thought was being kidnapped by a band of crazed homeless men.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED: Fearing the worst, Thomas did prepare by arming himself with a taser he bought from a gun show recently, and he did use the personal protection device quite liberally, but as it turned out, he had a difficult time discerning members of his posse from the Tai Chi warriors, and ended up shocking his own troops rather than his opponents.

By the time the large number of law enforcement officer arrived, the melee had turned confusing, and thus, the police officers employed their own tasers, and were none too stingy with the electricity.

By the time things calmed down, the field was littered with homeless men, Tai Chi practitioners, and one very unhappy donkey, lying on their backs, twitching and drooling from all the electroshock therapy administered by the police.

Long story short, we were interviewed by the police as witnesses and allowed to go on about our business, so we contacted Brad, our attorney to bail Thomas out of jail.  Thomas was sentenced to 2000 hours of public service, and the operations of Thomas Ryan, Inc. came to a standstill until he could complete his sentence.  That said, he is now finished, and we will go on, business as usual.

Anyway, thanks for your time.

Until next time,

Bill