The Enigma: Thomas Ryan

Hi all, Seth here,

As many of you already know, Thomas is very diligent in keeping up with current affairs and he is already taking drastic measures to prepare for the new Health Care Law.  This by no means denotes that he understands the law, but he has taken careful measures to assist him in learning all he can about this new, Federal requirement.

Thomas hired Ovidu, a Romanian “Business man” he met while on holiday in Greenland over the Christmas Hiatus to read and interpret the new law.  Fearing potential issues with the translation, Thomas included Jose, our Japanese interpreter in this project, and thus, the end result was about what you can imagine it was.

Turns out, Thomas, as an employer of more than 10 staff, but less than 10.75 staff is 4.35% exempt from inclusion of the last appendix entry of paragraph b, pp 2-3, but the exclusion[s] of sub-table II, paragraph 4-g, unless the company and/or firm is owned by or employs members of the opposite gender, notwithstanding other genders based on heredity, creed, or religious preferences as noted in appendix H, p 2.3.4, paragraph 5-h.

Thomas was very happy to learn that he is also exempt from inclusion in the exemptions listed on pp12,378-20,456 where it clearly states that “Employers that routinely employ employees of the same or different political affiliations, but not parties of political stature and balance, are exempt from the inclusions of the exemptions to the inclusions thereby negating the need for exemption from the inclusions listed in but quantified in, the above listed exemption clause therein.”

After the meeting, Thomas called a full-staff conference and was delighted to announce that no cuts to staffing will have to be made, and that we will continue to work without being charged for health coverage unless of course, we use the health services of hospitals, clinics, or dental offices.

What a relief!

Anyway, that’s it from here.

Seth

SPAM BOTS: Must be destroyed

Hi folks, Seth here,

We’ve been getting hit with an enormous amount of SPAM and Thomas is quite livid.  He has yet to find Viagra at the prices they claim, and as a very perverted, forty-something male, he is quite upset that the ‘little, blue pill’ is still so expensive.

After being duped again, Thomas has sworn revenge and hired an IT dude from Craig’s List to develop a program that will, in Thomas’ words, “Annihilate the SPAM BOTS who dare to falsely offer Viagra at a discount.”

Bill and I were able to peek at this guy’s CV, and we were astonished by what was on it.  Apparently, this guy was a Navy SEAL from 1988-1989.  He then joined the Army Special Forces and served from 1989-1991.  After that,, he decided to join “Her Majesty’s Special Air Service” from 1991-1993.

If that wasn’t enough, he then states that he was “recruited by MI5 and offered a very SECRET position within that organization, but elected to join MI6 instead.”

It gets better…his CV goes on to reveal that he has been in “hundreds of firefights while on Secret missions,” and that his “official records are Top Secret, and sealed by Executive Order, and cannot be divulged to anyone.”

It does list, however, all the campaigns this guy was allegedly involved in:

  1. Grenada
  2. Panama
  3. Desert Storm/Shield
  4. Somalia
  5. Niue [Wherever the hell that is]
  6. Greenland [?]
  7. Iraq [Of course]
  8. Afghanistan [again, of course]

If this wasn’t bad enough, Bill couldn’t help but notice the numerous awards listed on this CV.  No fewer than 6 Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, a Military Cross, a Queen’s Gallantry Medal, and it just went on and on like this.

What makes all this so incredible is that fact that this guy looks like he’s barely 30 years-old.  I think it prudent to also mention that he is …well…okay, I’ll say it:  he’s as fat as frog.  There ain’t no way in hell this dude did all this, and there is no mention anywhere on this CV of any kind of IT training or experience.

Nonetheless, Thomas has taken him out to lunch – at a secret location to avoid Corporate Espionage – so they can discuss the anti-SPAM strategies.

We here at Thomas Ryan are eagerly waiting for a vast improvement to the employment climate.

Until then,

Seth

57 Days!? Really!? Oh Shit!

Hello all, Bill McCloud here,

Well, it has been a long time since we have been able to dialogue with you all, and for that, we apologize.  Things have slowed down quite a bit, and due to the current economic climate, we have had to trim the staff.

As many of you know, Thomas started college in October, and all has not gone well.  It’s a Christian college, and there are certain rules that they expect students to adhere to.  Behaviors that are acceptable in the Secular World are not all that tolerable in a religious one.  Thomas has failed to understand this, and he is now on a probation of sorts.

For example: He is no longer allowed to attach photographs of any kind to his assignments, or on the discussion boards.  The less said about why this restriction is in place, the better.

Apparently Thomas was not able to pass the basic Math and English Assessment tests- in fact – he had Jose, our Japanese interpreter take the English Assessment, and well, that didn’t achieve the desired results.

Martha, the strange woman who likes to sit outside of our office, and argue with the bricks of our exterior wall, was able to convince Thomas that she was once a Math Professor in Tibet, and so he had her do the Math Assessment…yep…

To help with his school work, Thomas hired The Shaman and Curtis, his donkey – you remember them, yes? – to tutor him in his current class load…

I understand Curtis is quite the Math whiz, while The Shaman-who usually speaks in gibberish and spittle-has a Graduate degree in English from a prestigious, Online ‘University’ in India.

We strongly suspect it won’t be long before Thomas returns to the office as a college drop out.

Time will tell.

Until next time,

Bill